September 2016

11 Things a Happy Person Doesn’t Keep Around the House

Our lives are full: of activities, of stuff, of stress. Some people are trying to change their lives with cleaning up magic, while others are happily buried under a pile of memories. Whichever your preference – clear or cluttered – there are several things that truly happy people never leave laying around.

Stuff that Gets in Your Way

This is the easiest category to tackle. These objects are nothing more than time- and space-consuming clutter that take your focus away from what’s really important.

1. Broken items that haven’t been fixed in more than a year. If you haven’t needed it to work in 12 months, you don’t need it. Donate it!

2. Spam emails. Sign up for a program like unroll.me and spend less time hitting delete.

Stuff that Screams “The Old You”

Memories are great, but often we keep things that aren’t even tied to happy memories out of a sense of obligation. Clearing these things out gives you the mental energy you need to move forward instead of backward.

3. Tools from a hobby you no longer practice. Donate the old musical instruments, hand weights, or complicated kitchen gadgets. It’s okay to say “that wasn’t a great fit for me” and move on.

4. Old love letters. Keep the letters from your true love, of course. But toss the reminders of that college breakout that went back-and-forth for six months. The memories aren’t good, and do you really want your grandchildren finding them, someday?

5. Clothes that no longer fit. It doesn’t matter whether they’re too big or too small – keeping old clothing can be a self-sabotaging way of communicating that you’re not comfortable in your own skin.

6. Friendships that no longer fit. This is a tough one, but sometimes friendships serve a purpose and then don’t “work” anymore. You can value someone deeply without keeping them in your day-to-day life.

Stuff that Silently Judges

These possessions can serve as an unkind reminder of our perceived shortcomings and the things we dislike most about ourselves.

7. Bills. Enough said.

8. Exercise equipment you don’t use. It sits there mocking you, doesn’t it? That’s why you throw your dirty clothes over it, so you don’t have to see it. Sell that sucker on Craigslist and use the money to buy a laundry hamper.

9. Books you bought more than three years ago but never read. If you haven’t yet, are you really going to read it next year? Donate it and pick up a book you’ll really love. Life’s too short.

10. Unfinished projects. Just as with the books, sometimes we start a project thinking it will be fulfilling, but it isn’t. Say goodbye to the glue gun.

11. Rejection notices. If you were turned away for a job, a promotion, a school, or that manuscript you slaved over, you don’t need to keep the reminder to torture yourself. Shred it and try again. Studies show that rejection overwhelmingly results in a better end product, so put yourself back out there instead of ruminating on the rejection letters.

Your life is full already – don’t clutter it up by keeping these belongings that don’t bring happiness. Get rid of these 11 things and make room for some happiness.

in Coping / Happiness / Personal / Relationships / Stress / Success by admin 27 Sep 201603 Mar 2017 0 comments

Stress Relief Activities for the Whole Office

When it comes to de-stressing at the office, relaxation techniques aren’t enough. What really works are activities that build a sense of control and autonomy. Here’s a creative idea for an office-wide activity that will really work to give everyone a little power over their stress.

in Coping / Leadership / Stress / Video / Workplace by admin 22 Sep 201620 Feb 2017 0 comments

Divorce-Proof Your Fighting Style

Conflict in a marriage is inevitable; divorce is preventable. Why do some couples manage to fight and stay married (or even grow stronger as a result of the clash), while other marriages end? Strong couples recognize there are 5 major traps that marital fights can fall into, and they know how to sidestep those land mines.

Trap 1: Judgement

You know how in new relationships, everything is cute? Everything little quirk can be brushed aside and forgiven? At some point, that benefit of the doubt ends, and judgement can creep in. “Why did he DO that stupid thing?!?!” “Doesn’t she KNOW that I hate it when…”

This first trap is easy to avoid – all it requires is giving your partner the same benefit of the doubt that you would want. There’s a type of bias called “fundamental attribution error,” where we perceive that others’ actions are because of some personality trait or fault in themselves, but our own actions are situational and reasonable. We give ourselves the benefit of the doubt all the time – for a strong marriage, it helps to do the same for your partner.

Trap 2: Antagonism

If you fall into the Judgement Trap for too long, you may find yourself smack dab in Trap 2: Antagonism. In this trap, you and your partner have been in conflict for so long that they start to feel like your enemy. Everything they do feels set up to annoy or hurt you.

To avoid this trap, take a hard look at your fighting style. Are you fighting to win? If so, turning your partner into the enemy is bound to happen. Healthy conflict occurs when both parties recognize they have the same goal (which you DO! A happy, healthy, working relationship!), but they just don’t always agree on how to get there. Block a significant amount of time with your partner to get on the same page about your end goals, and keep conversations productive by focusing on the HOW of “how are we going to achieve what we BOTH agree that we want to achieve?”

Trap 3: Depersonalization

If you’ve been in antagonistic conflict for too long, depersonalization is bound to occur. Depersonalization is actually a critical requirement for war – soldiers are trained to depersonalize the enemy in order to kill them. Conflict research suggests that the same depersonalization happens in interpersonal conflict, and when it occurs it takes antagonism up a notch further.

If you and your partner have depersonalized one another, it will be tough to climb out of this trap without professional help. This is an ideal time to seek out a therapist who can help you see your partner as a feeling, thinking human again, and can serve as almost a translator, helping each side understand the other.

Trap 4: Contempt

Some studies show that marriages truly go off the rails when the partners reach contempt for one another. Others suggest contempt is a key indicator of divorce. Contempt can often be a power play – an outward display of disgust.

As with depersonalization, contempt likely requires a professional’s unbiased help, because the ugly behaviors that can go along with contempt usually have broken the trust between partners. Without that trust repaired, and in the absence of empathy, it will be hard for a couple to go back to a place of security and love.

Trap 5: Apathy

If you’ve lived in contempt long enough, you might grow numb. That’s when you risk reaching the final trap – apathy.

Once apathy occurs, and you no longer feel ANY emotional connection to your partner, even a negative one, it can be hard to salvage a happy marriage. If your marriage does end in this phase, critically examine how you ignored the first 4 traps and ended up all the way in apathy before taking action. It can often take years to reach apathy, with several red flags along the way, so apathy can (and should) be avoided.

Don’t let your normal marital conflicts escalate and fester. To avoid divorce, pay attention to these traps and get to work as soon as you see the red flags start to wave.

-Courtney

in Family / Personal / Relationships by admin 14 Sep 201603 Mar 2017 0 comments

The Mind Trick to Regain Control When Life is Chaotic

If you want to know what to do when you’re stressed out, DON’T just cross things off your to-do list faster. Learn about your “locus of control” and how your brain’s focus plays a role in keeping you from being stressed and overwhelmed.

in Coping / COVID-19 Resources / Leadership / Stress / Success / Video by admin 08 Sep 201619 Mar 2020 0 comments

A Letter to the Mom of 2 in the Row Behind Me On the Flight to Orlando

I was traveling for business. On a flight to Orlando. Surrounded by children on their way to the vacation of their dreams. Sitting in the middle seat.

That right there should tell you everything you need to know about my mindset. Then I heard you, in the row right behind me, ask your children if they needed more Dramamine. “Oh, for Pete’s sake,” I thought to myself. “Wouldn’t THAT just make this flight more enjoyable! A little puke on a Monday afternoon.”

I tried to tune your family (and every other family) out as I thought about the client waiting for me in Orlando. I wrapped my scarf around my shoulders and tried to relax.

But listening to you talk to your children, I was instantly snapped out of my bubble. I heard what you said to them, how you addressed them, and I need to tell you something:

You are an amazing mother.

You entertained their questions. All the questions. And we know kids have a lot. You kept the flow of conversation going and never seemed to get exhausted or annoyed. You engaged them back and forth, asking them to think deeper about questions like whether or not airplanes can go to the moon. You answered honestly when they didn’t know, and told them how to look things up. You even answered questions they didn’t ask, like when you reminded them: “Pack up your iPads right now, while we’re landing. Double check, because if you leave them here, we aren’t likely to get them back.” Your son expressed surprise that he wouldn’t get his iPad back if he lost it. Sometimes the things we think are obvious need more context for kids, and you knew that.

But you didn’t coddle them. You gave them options that set them up for success, but then let them choose, like when you told your youngest “Yes, you CAN carry Froggy if you want, but if you do that you’ll have to put him on the floor of the bathroom. Do you really want to do that?”

You are raising strong, resilient kids who will know they can rely on their mother, but won’t always need to. But I’m not writing this to praise you for raising great kids.

I’m just writing to tell you good job.

We live in a world of judgement – we judge people we know and people we don’t. We judge ourselves worst of all. Maybe this letter will make its way to you in a moment when you feel like a bad mom. Maybe you’ll be in need of an independent bathroom visit on a 20-questions kind of day. Maybe you’ll have just gotten the lice notice sent home. Maybe you’ll have just snapped and you’re judging yourself hard core.

But you can do this. You are a great mom. And I just thought you should know.

Courtney Clark, Seat 8B

in Coping / Family / Personal / Relationships / Stress by admin 01 Sep 201619 Feb 2017 0 comments