Learn how to use the tricky mental mindset of “minimization” to get your brain back on track after the sting of rejection. Whether in the workplace or in your personal life, rejection doesn’t have to signal a great loss, if you put it in the right perspective.
It’s an office grapevine nightmare: your colleague tells you that So-and-So was talking to Big-Boss and said that you aren’t a “team player.” You know So-and-So is just trying to sabotage you and make you look bad, but you can’t go directly to Big Boss because your colleague doesn’t want to get in trouble for gossiping and doesn’t want to be in the middle. But it BURNS knowing that people are saying negative things about you and spreading lies!
It’s a predicament Olympic gymnast Gabby Douglas faced this week.
In Rio, cameras caught Gabby looking less-than-enthusiastic watching her teammates compete in the individual events she didn’t qualify for. All over the world, people made assumptions that her sour face meant she wasn’t happy for her teammates, and the criticism grew. She was critiqued for not putting her hand over her heart during the Star Spangled Banner. The criticism mirrored Douglas’ previous Olympics trip, where some viewers disapproved of the state of her textured hair.
Douglas says she’s used to the critiques, as part of being in the public eye, but it hurts when people jump to negative conclusions and say hurtful things. How is she handling the ugly comments this time around? “It just determines your character,” she responds. “Are you going to stand or are you going to crumble?” What Douglas hasn’t done is try to defend herself to all the “haters.”
To successfully manage people talking negatively about you, take a page from Douglas’ book: respond carefully and judiciously. In the example above, make a positive, non-confrontational statement to the coworker who alerted you to the problem, but don’t say anything more than that. From there, let your actions do the talking for a while. Keep succeeding. Keep being a team player. During this time, do make sure Big Boss is aware of your work – you don’t want to over-compensate and give too much information, but you do want to make sure you weren’t delivering too little information about your workload and completed projects before.
Let your actions do the talking for a while. Keep succeeding.
Finally, to avoid active conflict in the workplace, don’t let Big Boss know that you heard someone talked smack about you, but at your next review, slip in a mention of something that directly refuses whatever the smack-talker said. Show that you’re a team player, or whatever negative thing So-and-So made up about you. Show, don’t tell, that So-and-So wasn’t right, and Big Boss will ultimately believe you instead of them. Act like a champion, like Douglas does, and all will be forgotten.
Confession: I was in this position very recently. A few weeks ago, a blog post of mine went viral overnight, and I was shocked by a handful of the comments. Because it was a short blog post, and because I want my blog posts to be more about you, the readers, than my own life, I hadn’t included every single detail of the story. For some people, the details and outcome of the personal part of the story were more interesting than the moral I was getting to, and they read the blog post thinking I acted like a jerk to my husband. Some people even suggested I was a terrible wife and my husband should divorce me. I’m not going to lie – that hurt.
I followed my own advice, pulled a Gabby Douglas, and responded judiciously to a few of the comments as gracefully as I could. I tried not to get defensive, just letting them know that I appreciated their concern but all was well in my marriage. Within hours after I did that, the furor died down and all has been well.
At your next review, slip in a mention of something that directly refuses whatever the smack-talker said
It’s human nature to want to defend ourselves when people attack us and say negative things. But when it comes to our work, handling ourselves like a champion means we ultimately succeed and come out on top.
-Courtney
Bullying in schools is a critical concern that can affect learning, self-esteem, and the physical safety of children. There’s no way to *guarantee* your child won’t be a target, but if you build up a child’s personal power using these two techniques, your child will have what they need to handle potential bullies all year long.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing!”
Ahhh, the classic passive aggressive response. We don’t like it when it’s done to us, yet sometimes we resort to some good old passive aggression because it seems easier than telling the truth or getting into an uncomfortable conversation.
Being passive aggressive may feel like an easy way out when you’re just too stressed (or miffed) to talk, but it has several negative consequences. One main reason to avoid passive aggressive behavior is that people often know that’s what you’re doing, and they resent it. No one likes to be treated passive aggressively by their spouse, partner, colleague, or boss. But besides being frustrating for others, passive aggressiveness can also cause some unintended stress for you.
- Your frustration will find another outlet to escape. Research into “venting” shows that frustration which never has a release will eventually bubble over. Your passive aggressiveness may spare you a fight on a particular day, but it’s likely to come back to haunt you somewhere you least expect it.
- Passive aggressiveness diminishes your power. “Self-efficacy” is the name given to our belief in our ability to exert some amount of control over a situation. When you combine denial and refusal to confront an issue head-on (which is what passive aggression really is), you give up some of your personal power. Do that enough times, and it takes a real toll on your self-efficacy and your belief in yourself.
- Denial is like growth hormone for your problems. When you respond to a situation with passive aggressiveness, you let the problem linger. The longer a problem lingers, the more it has time to grow and build up in your mind. (Haven’t you ever had one side of an angry conversation to yourself in the shower, getting more and more pissed?) Passive aggressiveness gives you and your frustrations time to fester and get bigger in your head than they really are.
Whether at home or at work, passive aggressive behavior has more risks than rewards. Being passive aggressive doesn’t just frustrate those around you, it actually makes you much more stressed out than you have to be. Own up to what’s really bothering you, in a constructive way, and you’ll be doing yourself and everyone around you a big favor.
How do you respond when you really want to be passive aggressive, but know you shouldn’t be? What works for you to keep that instinct at bay?
-Courtney
